It’s June and I feel like I’ve achieved nothing this year…
Can you believe we are already half way through the year? I know it’s a huge cliche but honestly where does time go?! I was lying in bed last night thinking about that exact question and trying to figure out what I’ve achieved this year… To be honest it feels like nothing. This year has felt like a constant uphill battle – trying to navigate a break up just after the new year, the return of an extremely painful illness and the fact that I’m almost 25. These may seem like trivial issues to have, hell they aren’t even the biggest issues I have had in my life, and to some people they may not be issues at all. But to me they are and one of the worst things you can do to someone who is struggling is try to take away from their issue.
Writing is what I do when I get too far into my own head so I thought I’d write this one out and put it up here in case anyone else is having the same feelings! I have no idea if this makes sense and any English teachers will probably kill me as it doesn’t ‘flow’, but here are my rambles anyway…
I look back at the last six months and to be honest I haven’t achieve much, if anything. In fact I feel like I’ve gone backwards if that makes any sense? I feel further than ever from my friends, I miss my extended family and I don’t really see where my career is going. All this thinking really got me down – I’m not fabulous at dealing with the harsh realities of life and I try avoid it at all costs. I don’t know I guess I got into a bit of a spiral so I decided I needed to put my big girl panties on and sort my sh*t out.
So I went shopping (don’t judge me) and then wrote a list. I don’t feel happy in my current career so I figure I’ll just change it! Say hello to the newest Masters student. I’ve always had a pretty set path in life – I knew what I wanted to do so I did it until I did it and realised it wasn’t actually what I wanted to do. So I started honours, completed a postgrad and then did another only to realise none of that is what I wanted. But this, I have a very good feeling about this one! To be honest I envy people who know their place in this world because I still haven’t found mine. However I am loved, I am happy, I am getting healthier by the day and I am exceptionally blessed.
Besides worrying about the past, something I cannot change. I also stress about the future – what if I get sick again, what if I don’t find someone I love, what if, what if, what if? It’s always a list of what ifs that messes with my head the most!
This isn’t something new either. When I was about four I had no idea how to handle what we call my ‘what if’ moments (anxiety) so my Mum took me see a psychologist called Jim Smith (weird what we remember hey). He was literally the coolest guy, I mean he had a massive sandpit in the middle of his playroom! Instant cool factor! Anyway he taught me an analogy that I still use 20 years later. It goes something like this –
“Imagine you’re in a canoe rowing down a rocky river. You can’t worry about all the rocks further down the river or you’ll crash into the rock right in front of you. You have to focus on the rock coming up first before you worry about the one down the bottom of the river. So when you think about your problems, worry about the immediate ones rather than the ones that MAY present themselves in a few days, weeks, months or years. Focus on what you can do now rather than what might happen in the future”
That little analogy may not make much sense to you, but honestly it has helped me SO much in my life. I have never opened up about my anxiety on here, but I thought it was about time as so many of us suffer from this.
I’m not sure this is something that’ll help people, hopefully it will, but I wanted to let you guys in a bit more than I have before.
The flowers pictured were kindly gifted to me by The Blush Box Perth