Do you ever feel like you’re behind? Behind your friends, colleagues and others your age? I know I do. Sometimes I sit and wonder ‘what if I had done this’ or ‘what if that hadn’t ended’, but then I remember it is ok to be different. We are all on our own journey.
Sometimes I worry that my life is not going to plan. When I was a kid I was so sure about my life – married at 25 to the love of my life, strong career, children by 30 and plenty of friends to share the journey with. Reality – I’m 25 with a handful of friends, a job that many think isn’t anything real and ordering Uber Eats so I don’t have to make awkward small talk with the guy at the pizza shop while I wait for my food.
I was thinking about it the other day and I am SO glad that this is my life. Imagine if I still had that massive group of friends, what if I had married one of my exes, what career would I even do and what would life be like if I did have a child. To be honest none of these what ifs make me want to back track on any decisions I have made in my life.
I haven’t written a personal post in ages because I haven’t really had anything to say until now and even now I am not sure why I’m sharing this with you. I guess it is because every time I share one of these posts I get so many messages from people saying they’re in the same boat or they totally get where I’m coming from and that they no longer feel so alone. So I guess I am writing this so if you feel like you’re not enough just know you are not alone! Anyway time to stop blabbing and start writing so here we go…
I used to have this massive friend group. There were about 100 of my ‘closest’ friends at my 21st birthday (still one of my favourite nights ever) and while I did know all of them, they were kind of friends by association you know. They weren’t the kind that you call in the middle of the night when you’re upset or the kind you get 4am McFlurries with. I guess they were more acquaintances. It took me a good few years to realise that. Now my friend group is a lot smaller, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. My friends mean the world to me and I know that every single one of them would be there for me whenever I needed them (no matter where in the world they live). None of my current friends have babies, some have partners and some don’t, but I don’t feel left behind by them in that regard so who is making me feel that way? Generally its people who aren’t even my friends, but people from school or uni that I was friendly with but not friends with. The ones engaged, married or expecting, the ones buying houses and ‘kicking goals’ – they’re the ones I am comparing myself to and why? I barely know them and they hardly know me. As you get older you realise that you don’t need 100 friends to be happy, you need a handful or two that love you for you.
This is one of the biggest things I think about. I mean every little girl thinks about getting married and being in love, but seriously why? Why the hell do we teach our daughters that they need to grow up and get married? Why are we not teaching them to grow up and become CEOs, industry leaders, sportspeople, healthcare professionals? I can honestly tell you in my first two relationships I was had that mindset, but after that second breakup that was it. I decided I needed to focus on me and if someone fell in love with the real me that would be amazing and do you know what, that has yet to happen, but I have never been happier. Every relationship I have been in has taught me something about myself. I’ve learnt how strong I am, that I am incredibly resilient and that the more someone tries to break me down, the more I insist on rising up and growing even more. Imagine if I had married one of my exes… honestly my life would not be how it is now. I would be miserable, feel trapped and just unhappy as I would be constantly trying to create a life they wanted not what I wanted.
I think this is the one I struggle with the most. I mean I went to uni not once, not twice, not even three times. It took me four rounds at uni, four degrees studied and almost seven years for me to realise that I didn’t want careers in anything I had studied. And now I am going back for the FIFTH time. Crazy I know… I completed my bachelors degree and while I loved studying the content when I graduated I realised that the jobs were what I wanted so I went back to uni another three times only to find the same thing at the end of every degree. I was lucky though, I always had my blog. While studying the blog was just a hobby, something I did for fun because I loved it. I then realised that I was able to turn my hobby into a business and I love what I do. Sometimes I wonder though what I would be doing if it wasn’t this? Would I be unhappy in a random job that I am actually qualified for or would I love it? Truth is I have no idea, but I guess I’ll find out one day when I am no longer doing this. I struggle with this the most as I see my friends kicking goals with their careers. They have all graduated (or are doing so soon) and are doing what they love. I couldn’t be prouder of them – they’re so bloody amazing, but I do sometimes worry that I may end up starting my career too late.
This is a topic that comes up so often and I really do wonder why. Why do we solely base a woman’s worth on her decision to have babies. Honestly I have thought about it for a long time and I am still unsure as to whether or not I want kids. Right now its a massive no. I have so much I want to do and see and with a child it just wouldn’t be possible so while I see everyone having babies and I am genuinely happy for them, I am not upset as I know that this is not something I want right now.
So the next time you feel like you’re not enough, break it down into the main things you’re worried about like I have and actually have a good, hard think about things. I have a funny feeling you will realise you are more than enough! I now realise that I have exactly the life I want to live and I live it for myself not for anyone else, which is exactly how life should be lived!
PS – sorry for the lack of pretty pictures in this post xxx
PPS – I have been thinking about publishing this for the last two months and finally decided to bite the bullet today!